Diary from Oklahoma

Oklahoma State Flag
Oklahoma State Flag

The miserable heat of an Oklahoma summer is fully upon us, so it’s a good time to post a little humor about it. Enjoy!

Diary from Oklahoma

May 1st: Just moved to Oklahoma. Now this is a state that really knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. What a place! It is beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here!

June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. I live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I’m turning into a sun worshipper!

thermometer

June 30th: Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me! Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th: The temperature hasn’t been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat?! At least it’s windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

sweat

July 15th: Fell asleep by the community pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like this!

sun

July 20th: I missed my cat, Lomita, sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the car at noon, Lomita had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag, then popped like a water balloon. Now the car smells like Kibbles and dead cat. I’ve learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat. Good ol’ Mr. Sun strikes again.

July 25th: The wind SUCKS! It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer! And it’s hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged me $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.

July 30th: Been sleeping outside for 3 nights now. $225,000 house and I can’t even go inside! Lomita is the lucky one. Why did I ever come here?

tent

Aug 4th: Its 115 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85. I HATE this stupid state.

Aug 8th: If another wise guy cracks, “Hot enough for you today?” I’m going to strangle him! Damn heat! By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!

Aug 9th: Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and when I sat on the seats in the car, I thought my butt was on fire. My skin melted to the seat! I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and butt. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried butt, and baked cat!

Aug 10th: The weather report might as well be a damned recording! Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. HOT AND SUNNY! It’s been too hot to do anything for two months and the weatherman says is might really warm up next week. Doesn’t it ever rain in this state?! Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus will just dry up and blow over. Even the cactus can’t live in the heat!

August 14th: WELCOME TO HELL! Temperature got to 115 today. Cactus are dead. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of my car. The installer came to fix it and you know what he asked me????

“Hot enough for you today?”

angry face

My sister had to spend $1500 to bail me out of jail. Freaking Oklahoma. What kind of sick, demented idiot would want to live here?! Will write later to let you know how the trial goes.

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